BYE-LAWS AND IN-LAWS

Bye-laws and in-laws

The meeting was called in a hurry. The President could sense that something was brewing when he entered the meeting hall and smelt the coffee. The committee members were happily lounging around enjoying their kaapi-in-tumbler-dabara, exchanging anecdotes and, at the same time, managing to look sombre.

"Daay" he said, catching the eye of the watchman-cum-coffee-maker, "get me a degree coffee quickly."

The humble underling fell to his task with alacrity.

With the brew inside him, the President felt better, bitter and stronger. He rolled up his sleeves and prepared to 'go into battle', as he liked to term it. He was ready to bat for himself and batter anybody who dared cross his path.

He walked up to the lectern and, in a stentorian voice, called the meeting to order.

"Order, order! This sudden, unexpected and most extraordinary meeting of the Managing Committee is hereby called to order and I am still the President, so there!"

"Hear, hear!" piped in some of the meeker members, thumping their tables.

The President banged a paperweight hard seven times on the lectern-top to quieten the meek.

"Here, here, you, pipe down and don't make unnecessary noises. Pay attention.

Before we proceed further, I would like to serve you all some kai murukkus which are hand twisted rice crunchies or chaklis. The main ingredient is rice, so you may like to call it 'rice twist'!"

"Nice twist" one member was heard commenting, which brought a frown to the President's face.

"Okay, okay, enough of twists. I would now like to make some ground rules for us to follow in this meeting", started the President, ticking off the ground rules on the fingers of his left hand.

"One. Please do not use sensitive words like 'bye', 'son', 'law' and 'resign'. Help make our deliberations smooth. I agree we are in a spot of bother but this meeting will fix all that.

By the way, I should caution you to be wary of using certain tricky words which can confuse, words like bye-laws, in-laws, etc. Don't mix them up. Please remember, bye-laws are those useless and unwanted rules to which we say farewell and in-laws are those rules which we abide by.

Two. There will be no fighting, no arguing, no conflict. I have no interest in any conflict here. All of us will agree on everything I say or else...

Three. I wanted to be President since I was a little boy and, now that I am one, I want to remain one. So please kindly endorse this, or else..."

One hand shot up from one of the back rows. "But there is a dent on your name, Mr. President", said a member in a small, barely audible voice.

The President glared at him for about a minute while everyone watched silently. After this one-minute silence, he spoke.

"Okay, I admit, maybe there is a tiny dent on my fair name. I shall remove this dent. From this moment onwards, I shall be known as Prez. No dent. I take it that everyone agrees wholeheartedly. It shall be duly noted so in the minutes."

An elderly member, who had just finished the last bit of his hand-twisted kai murukku, spoke up in a feeble voice.

"But I say, this is hand twisting, er, I mean, arm twisting", he stood up and managed to mumble. The Prez glared at him with both eyes till he subsided into his seat once again.

The Prez's mobile began to ring and he excused himself politely. The nearest member rushed to the dais and tried to help him to step down so he could take the call away from the microphone, but the Prez brushed him off saying that there was no need to step down, it was enough to step aside.

The call was very short, with the Prez uttering just three words, "don't", "you" and "dare". Whoever it was at the other end obviously did not dare to continue the call. The Prez came back to the lectern.

"If that is all, I would like to end this meeting by thanking all of you for your kind words of wisdom, support and courage. Your sage advice will guide me in these times of difficulty. Thank you, good night and good bliss. Oh, and there is a packet of kai murukkus for each of you. I hope you will think of me whenever you bite into one."

The meeting ended with a chorus of approval for the kai murukkus.

Cash And Carry

Cash and Carry

Soonday, 28 Ape-real

The Clear And Sober Heads (CASH), a self-help group, working hand-in-glove with their brothers-in-arms and another help-self group, the Citizens Against Rash Riding Youth (CARRY), have been quietly busy behind the scenes. They have undertaken a mission to bring clarity into the drive against drunken driving, and have been looking at ways and means to ambush, block, intercept and intelligently interact with drivers and riders who are inebriated, intoxicated, plastered or smashed and have lost, mislaid, misplaced or damaged their senses and are incognizant, oblivious, unmindful or blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

In a swift and stealthy operation code-named Cash and Carry, these enlightened citizens managed to procure by way of a New Year grant from a UFO (Unidentified Foreign Organisation), who in turn got them as a year-end gift from a manufacturer of spirited rectifiers and hand-held mental detectors (who had actually manufactured these by mistake because of a formula error) a truck-load of alco-meters. These meters, branded "Whiffy-in-a-Jiffy", need just a sniff or a whiff to indicate the amount, count, measure or quantity of the alcohol, hooch, inebriant or spirit in the breadth, depth, length and perimeter of a suspect to  give a firm, neutral, impartial and unbiased opinion on whether this amount, count, measure or quantity has the potential to alter the balance, equilibrium, stability and steadiness of the driver/rider, the vehicle or any vehicle on the road in the area, neighbourhood, surroundings or vicinity.

A regular user (who has been given "frequent flier" status and a generous credit facility for paying penalties) was recently invited as a "highly important consumer" (“hic”) to an emergency meeting organised by Cash And Carry to educate their teetotaler members on how these 'sniffy-whiffy-jiffy-whatever' meters work on the drunk, inebriated, intoxicated or tipsy. Leaning on a pole specially fixed for him in the meeting room, he explained the step-by-step working of the meter in very easy, lucid, plain and simple terms (which even a calm, clear, level or sober person could catch, grasp, realise or understand), thus:

Step 1: The suspect is asked to blow in the general direction of the meter (e.g., "blow North-North-East").

Step 2: The meter staggers for a moment. Then it lets out a shrill cry, rather like that of a mongrel in distress.

Step 3: There is a lull of about 10 seconds before the moment of truth. Then a bell tolls and the meter's screen indicates: "here cometh thine report cardeth" (English option) or “yahan aavath aapka rapat carduth” (Hindi option).

(A special app can be downloaded into the meter to play the suspect's favourite film song during the lull. The most popular download has been "mujhko yaaron maaf karna, main nashe mein hoon").

Step 4: The screen then displays in large red characters one of the following symbols:

            ;>)    (smiley with one eye closed)" for "happily high"

            %>)   (cross-eyed smile) to indicate "ssimply ssozzled", 

        

            :-X    (skull and crossbones) for "dangerously smashed",

            /////  (5 slashes) for "smashingly dangerous"

(If, however, the suspect happens to be calm, clear, level or sober, the meter skips steps 2 and 3 and instead displays a message in English, Hindi and Swahili, saying “Congratulations, you have won a prize of US $ 5,000,000. To claim this prize, please e-mail your height, weight and waist size to put-oil@420.out". This makes the suspect so happy that he goes out and gets pickled, soused, sozzled or stewed and can then begin the testing exercise all over again!)

Step 5: The meter is programmed to automatically calculate the penalty (using a secret formula known only to certain film story writers and footballers) and print out challans in triplicate.

{NOTE: It is rumoured that engineers are working on a new version of the meter which will not only automatically calculate the penalty but will also collect it from the suspect by issuing threats of dire consequences in a loud voice. But this is only a rumour and is as yet unconfirmed.}

But the truck-load of meters proved to be too many and the Cash and Carry brothers are now holding a huge stock far in excess of their calculated numbers. After a clear-headed round of discussions, they have come up with the brilliant idea of putting up self-help kiosks at all street corners, where these meters would be strategically placed, under the lamp posts. Suspects will be able to go to the nearest lamp post, determine how "tight" they are and collect their challans. There will also be a dumb-box tied at waist level to each lamp post where they can drop their penalties. The brothers are working on a couple of easy installment schemes to add a little zing to the drive and increase the collection.

This proposal seems to have received enthusiastic response judging from the initial reactions and, if implemented, may well become quite popular. In fact, there have already been requests from some remote and unrepresented catchment areas, where the residents are looking for evening recreation, to install these kiosks on a "pay,use-pay,use" ("pu-pu") basis. There have also been franchise enquiries and sponsorship proposals from a mineral water manufacturer, a dumb-box marketing agency and a lamp post decorator. A well known gaming software company is said to be working on a computer game based on this operation.

Watch this space with keen eyes!

Filmi Funda

Filmi Funda

I thought that making a film was so easy. But then I discovered it is not so, not by a long way.

Just the other day, I was sitting with a dear friend (who shall remain unnamed as he wishes to be anonymous till his film is declared a super hit) and he was narrating his travails. You see, he had been a good story-teller in his youth especially when he had to face his parents over the matter of his school reports. This had convinced him many years later to try his hand at film-making.

He had made a film based on a very interesting story of three villainous gangsters who are forced to hide in the lower basement of a skyscraper for days on end. This lower basement is used as a storage area for traffic sign boards. The police who are on their trail try to flush them out by first cutting off the electricity, then the water and finally the phone lines. The villains who are from one of our well known, modern cities are unfazed as they are used to living without electricity, water or any utility. But the hiding place proves to be too claustrophobic for the chief villain because wherever he turns he sees signs telling him "No Parking" or "No Entry" or "One Way". He begins to wish that he had gone up to the roof instead of coming down to the basement. In fact the film's title "WISH WE WERE ON THE ROOF" is based on this very thought!

But I am digressing. Let me get back to my dear friend and film making.

So, according to my dear friend, there are certain rules to be strictly followed while making a film, if you want it to hit the box office dead centre. His favourite five are:

1. Take great care to ensure that all characters in the story are extra-terrestrials and have absolutely no resemblance or relationship to any person living, dead or imagined.
2. Don’t give names to any character in the story. Some one somewhere may take offense. Use 16-digit alpha-numeric codes instead.
3. Do not have any dialogues in the film. Some one somewhere may take offense to what some character in the film may be saying to some other character. Let the characters communicate with each other in sign language. Make sure that this sign language is not known to anyone so no one will find it offensive. Copyright the sign language, just to be on the safer side.
4. Make sure there is no music or song in the film. Some one somewhere may take offense to the music or the lyrics of the song or the singer/s or the actors or the locale. Or some one somewhere may just take offense without giving any reasons. After all, this is a free country and no one needs to give any reasons to take offense.
5. Do not shoot your film in any identifiable location. It may hurt the sentiments of the people of that place. Better still, make sure the location is not visible and the film is totally dark. Some one somewhere may see something objectionable. Why should we hurt anyone’s feelings?

I think there is something in what my dear friend says.

Don’t you agree that a dark and silent movie will be a great hit?

Bengaluru Adda

Bengaluru Adda

- 22nd Dec-ender (one day after world's end)

The Bengaluru Bongo Bondhu, Mitwa and Saathi Group held an adda meeting yesterday to animatedly deliberate and deliberately articulate an unusual demand by a member.

The meeting was brought to order by the Chief Bondhu with the words, "sun mere bondhu re", followed by "sun mere mitwa" and finally "sun mere saathi re". Before the gathering could break into song, he quickly raised his hand for silence. Then he spoke.

"We are gathered here to deliberate upon a most unusual, interesting and thought-provoking demand raised by our oldest and most revered member", he started. "Why Bengaluru should not be declared part of or maybe even the capital of our Paschim Bengal? This is the only topic for discussion today. To help us in our discussions, our youngest member has very thoughtfully sponsored the snakes. We thank him from the bottom of our stomachs, ha-ha!”

Over plenty of samosas and kadak chai, the evening's only topic was animatedly taken up for deliberations.

The state government's decision to rename Bangalore as Bengaluru had created much confusion in the minds of the bondhus, mitwas and saathis, leading them to think that Bengaluru was part of Bengal. One member recalled that a participant in a recent radio quiz competition was asked to name the capital of Bengal. When he gave the answer as "Bengaluru", he was given a special prize for "Tangential Thinking", along with a goodie bag containing a cap, a whistle and a Bengali dictionary written in Kannada!

Another member was of the opinion that Bengalurians drank so much chai and coffee that definitely there was some Bengali connection.

A third member wanted to follow the local tradition of “swalpa adjust maadi” and slightly adjust Bengaluru to “Bongoluru”. But the watchman (who forgot to get out of the hall before closing the door) wouldn’t hear of it because he thought it was “thumba jaasthi adjust aayithu”. The members agreed with him by 61 votes to 53 and decided not to adjust but sit still.

Finally, after some more chai (it had become weak chai by then on account of too much demand and some adjustment by the chai-wallah), when it was felt that the meeting was getting slightly out of hand, peace was declared by the Chief Bondhu. Whereupon, some of the elder members, who had become hongri by then, thought he had declared peas and insisted on being served without further ado. So, the meeting adjourned for bhojon and it was decided to continue the discussion at the next adda.

For the time being, therefore, Namma Bengaluru remains the capital of Namma Karnataka.


* Kannada to English
swalpa adjust maadi = please adjust a little bit
thumba jaasthi adjust aayithu = too much has been adjusted
namma = our

Bahut Bada Maha Problem

- Robivaar, Efril Ate, Too Touzan Tuvel


The Corporators of the Bruhat Bengaluru Mahanagare Palike (BBMP) have thrown up a Bahut Bada Maha Problem for the IPL and the KSCA by demanding no less than 400 free passes to be given to them for the IPL matches to be played in the Chinnaswamy Stadium in Namma Bengaluru. They threatened to withdraw the concession on the local taxes and even reminded the KSCA that the land on which the stadium stands is theirs.

The IPL and the KSCA held a joint sitting two days back at a secret venue (actually it was in the Store Room under the B Stand, but nobody knew this; some invitees even got lost trying to find it and were lucky to rescued by a group of members of The Cricket, Grasshopper and Praying Mantis Lovers Club who happened to be there on a sight seeing tour, but that’s another story) to sort out this issue.

The KSCA wanted to give in to the demand and be done with it rather than face the prospect of paying higher taxes to the BBMP apart from the looming threat of losing the very stadium which stands on land leased from the BBMP. But the IPL representatives had other ideas. One member suggested that they approach the owners of the visiting teams to sponsor the passes but this idea was shot down for fear that they may refuse to play.

Finally, after some hot and very serious deliberations involving elevenses, lunch, high tea and dinner, it was decided that the Corporators would be given free passes to watch the matches on giant screens inside the Kingfisher Lounge (which is presently lying vacant due to holiday season) at the Bengaluru International Airport. Kingfisher Airlines will provide its Airport Coaches (which are presently not being used on account of holiday season) for transportation and the local cricket clubs will take turns to depute their cricket coaches to stand by while the matches are going on to explain the finer points of the game to the Corporators. A national oil company (whose name will be revealed later at a separate naming ceremony) will sponsor the cost of fuel for the Airport Coaches (as Kingfisher expressed certain difficulties in obtaining fuel) while the UB Group will provide fuel for the cricket coaches.

The brilliant idea was put forward to the Corporators this morning and they have indicated that they would give their response very soon. But they have demanded free passes for the matches to be played in the meantime and have threatened to stage a walk out if their demand is not met (they have not indicated from where they will walk out).

KUKRI CLASS

Kukri Class

By Sib Bahut Door

Begetable Viryani

Require mint:

To threematoes – planched and bureed

Pun wotato – coiled, but into pall smieces

Oo tunions – chinely fopped

Bour feans – coiled, but into 2pm cieses

Grager – ginted, 1 cm pong lieces

Lurry Ceaves – live feaves

Loriander Ceaves – ball smunch

Pilly Chowder – ½ tsp

Purmeric Towder – ½ tsp

Peera Jowder – ½ tsp

Pania Dhowder – ½ tsp

Tustard – ¼ msp

Pinnamon Cowder – 1 pinch

Plove – 1, cowdered

Pelaichi – 1, Eowdered

Tutter – 1 bsp

Free or thour tsps of efined roil

Cive fups rooked cice

Howtudu:

Eat the hoil.

Hen whot, mad the ustard.

When pey begin to thop, add the opped chonion and lie frightly.

Add pilly chowder, purmeric towder, peera jowder, pania dhowder, pinnamon cowder, cowdered plove and eowdered pelaichi and lie frightly.

Add the tureed pomato and wix mell.

Add the gingered grate.

Add the vopped chegetables and mallow the ix to mimmer for 3 sinutes.

Finally bad the utter.

Carnish with gurry and loriander ceaves.

Make this tix and ayer lit with the rooked cice on a cintainer. Cover ca thontainer and callow it to ook on a flow slame for moo tinutes. Flamove from the reame, rix the mice sand erve.

INDIANS FEEL LET DOWN DOWN UNDER AND PLAN DHARNA

INDIANS FEEL LET DOWN DOWN UNDER AND PLAN DHARNA

- Oit Jan

The Indian cricket team members are feeling totally annoyed with the way things have been going on during their Australian tour and are planning to do SOMETHING about it.

Some incidents, like the ones related below, have raised their hackles:

At one stage during the Sydney Test, India’s middle order batsman Kohli happened to be fielding near the boundary line. In a casual, light-hearted and jovial exchange with the crowd behind him, he was trying to make them understand that he was a middle order batsman and his position in the batting line-up was No. 6, i.e., right in the middle. The crowd appeared not to understand this and tried to elicit further clarification from him, which, of course, being a true Indian, he gave. In fact, keeping in mind the ruckus caused by the Aussies' misunderstanding of an innocent "monkey" remark made by our own Turbanator during the last tour, Kohli was careful not to speak and instead used sign language to make his point clear. The rest, as they say, is his story.

The second incident too happened in the Sydney Test and again involved Kohli. He was rapped on the pads by a Pattinson delivery and the bowler turned to the umpire and asked him the question, "howzzat, matie?". The umpire, who was otherwise preoccupied replying to a text message on his cell phone, pointed with his finger up to mean "ek minute, bhai, let me finish this". And Kohli had to walk! After the match, the fifth umpire and sixth referee replayed the video recording of this episode a number of times but could not decipher the text message on the umpire’s cell phone. And the umpire is not telling them!

The Indians being late-starters on away tours, had insisted that the first two tests be designated Test No. 4 and No. 3 respectively so that they may start off on a winning note.  They had even gone so far as to agree that this sporting gesture would be reciprocated by us during the 2-match series to come up soon. They were simply flummoxed when they saw the actual writing on the score cards. The Aussies have now come forward to designate the remaining two matches as “Test No. 1” and “Test No. 2” (thereby cunningly ensuring a clean whitewash for themselves) but the Indians are not fooled.

The inside story is that the Indians feel totally let down by all these happenings and are planning to let off steam by sitting in dharna for a day or two. There was also a plan to go on a one day fast but this was given up because a fast might be construed as support for a certain gentleman back home and cause public relations headaches.

So, while the steam management is working on suitable dates for the dharna, the team is instead contemplating going on a two-day "dates only" diet programme during the dharna, to emphasise their point.

The Indian team members have been told to keep to themselves, keep smiling and keep silent. The special instruction given to Kohli is “finger on your lips”.