Cash and Carry
Soonday, 28 Ape-real
The Clear And Sober Heads (CASH), a self-help group,
working hand-in-glove with their brothers-in-arms and another help-self group, the Citizens Against Rash
Riding Youth (CARRY),
have been quietly busy behind the scenes. They have undertaken a mission to bring clarity into the drive against drunken
driving, and have been looking at ways and means to ambush, block, intercept
and intelligently interact with drivers and riders who are inebriated, intoxicated, plastered or smashed and have lost, mislaid, misplaced
or damaged their senses and are incognizant, oblivious, unmindful or
blissfully unaware of their surroundings.
In a swift and stealthy operation
code-named Cash and Carry, these enlightened citizens managed to
procure by way of a New Year grant from a UFO (Unidentified Foreign
Organisation), who in turn got them as a year-end gift from a manufacturer of
spirited rectifiers and hand-held mental detectors (who had actually
manufactured these by mistake because of a formula error) a truck-load of
alco-meters. These meters, branded "Whiffy-in-a-Jiffy", need just a
sniff or a whiff to indicate the amount, count, measure or quantity of the
alcohol, hooch, inebriant or spirit in the breadth,
depth, length and perimeter of a suspect to give a firm,
neutral, impartial and unbiased opinion on whether this amount, count, measure
or quantity has the potential to alter the balance, equilibrium, stability and
steadiness of the driver/rider, the vehicle or any vehicle on the road in the
area, neighbourhood, surroundings or vicinity.
A regular user (who has been given
"frequent flier" status and a generous credit facility for paying
penalties) was recently invited as a "highly important consumer"
(“hic”) to an emergency meeting organised by Cash And Carry to
educate their teetotaler members on how these 'sniffy-whiffy-jiffy-whatever'
meters work on the drunk, inebriated, intoxicated or tipsy. Leaning on a pole
specially fixed for him in the meeting room, he
explained the step-by-step working of the meter in very easy, lucid, plain and
simple terms (which even a calm, clear, level or sober person could catch,
grasp, realise or understand), thus:
Step 1: The suspect is asked to blow in
the general direction of the meter (e.g., "blow
North-North-East").
Step 2: The meter staggers for a
moment. Then it lets out a shrill cry, rather like that of a mongrel in
distress.
Step 3: There is a lull of about 10
seconds before the moment of truth. Then a bell tolls and the meter's screen indicates: "here cometh thine report cardeth" (English option) or “yahan aavath aapka rapat carduth” (Hindi option).
(A special app can be downloaded into
the meter to play the suspect's favourite film song during the lull. The most
popular download has been "mujhko yaaron maaf karna, main nashe mein
hoon").
Step 4: The screen then
displays in large red characters one of the following symbols:
;>) (smiley
with one eye closed)" for "happily high"
%>) (cross-eyed
smile) to indicate "ssimply ssozzled",
:-X (skull and
crossbones) for "dangerously smashed",
///// (5 slashes) for "smashingly
dangerous"
(If, however, the suspect happens to
be calm, clear, level or sober, the meter skips steps 2 and 3 and
instead displays a message in English, Hindi and Swahili, saying “Congratulations, you have
won a prize of US $ 5,000,000. To claim this prize, please e-mail your height,
weight and waist size to put-oil@420.out". This makes the suspect so happy
that he goes out and gets pickled, soused, sozzled or stewed and can then begin
the testing exercise all over again!)
Step 5: The meter is programmed to
automatically calculate the penalty (using a secret formula known only to
certain film story writers and footballers) and print out challans in
triplicate.
{NOTE: It is rumoured that engineers
are working on a new version of the meter which will not only automatically
calculate the penalty but will also collect it from the suspect by issuing
threats of dire consequences in a loud voice. But this is only a rumour and is
as yet unconfirmed.}
But the truck-load of meters proved to
be too many and the Cash and Carry
brothers are now holding a huge stock far in excess of their calculated numbers.
After a clear-headed round of discussions, they have come up with the brilliant idea of putting up
self-help kiosks at all street corners, where these meters would be
strategically placed, under the lamp posts. Suspects will be able to go to the
nearest lamp post, determine how "tight" they are and collect their challans. There will also be a
dumb-box tied at waist level to each lamp post where they can drop their
penalties. The brothers are working on a couple of easy installment schemes to
add a little zing to the drive and increase the collection.
This proposal seems to have received
enthusiastic response judging from the initial reactions and, if implemented,
may well become quite popular. In fact, there have already been requests from
some remote and unrepresented catchment areas, where the residents are looking for
evening recreation, to install these kiosks on a "pay,use-pay,use"
("pu-pu") basis. There have also been franchise enquiries
and sponsorship proposals from a mineral water manufacturer, a dumb-box
marketing agency and a lamp post decorator. A well known gaming software
company is said to be working on a computer game based on this operation.
Watch this space with keen eyes!
