Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Zombanwa calls for drastic restructuring of ties
Dew Nelli,10th Stepdown
In his first pressed conference on touch down at the Dew Nelli Internal Yareporte this morning, Press-Dent Zombanwa Ka Maboosa of Yanktopia has called for drastic restructuring of ties. He felt that the crimson paisley ties which he and his team wore did not reflect the sunlight as he stepped out of his yarecraft. He felt that the ties need to be restructured to bring out the glorious mirror-work detail (which presently is hidden on the inside surface). Only then can these be called significant ties, he said. He promised to say more after he was untied.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Ra-Ra-Ra 1 2 3


- 17th Stepladder

Following the alleged stupendous success of his "Ra-One", SrK is said to be secretly working night and day to complete Ra-One, Part Two: The Sequel. He is as yet undecided about the story line and is said to be swinging between two extreme stories. He has a wonderful story about a man who likes to peel off skins with tattoos on them and exhibit them in his underground bunker. If SrK goes with this story, he will most likely call the film “Ra-Two and The Tattoo”. But he has another, equally juicy tale to tell. This one deals with a two-timing thief whose passion is stealing things that show the time. The title, if this story is used, will, in all probability be “Ra-Do; Do Ghadi ki Kahani”. The story is still developing. So what is it going to be – the tattoo or the ghadi? Watch this space but take care of your watch and your skin.

SrK is also rumoured to be frightfully busy in the making of a daring sequel to the sequel, a “triquel” as it were - the third in the Ra series. This will be a hitherto untold story of the dark side of life and will feature all sorts of bumpy and horribly scary things that move at night and are invisible during the day. The story is intended to scare the tickets off the box office. This film will be shot entirely in the dark, using black-and-white film and will be called "Ra-Three". But SrK is still in the dark about who the heroine will be and cautioned the members of the press about speculating on this. “She will not be one of our leading lights, she will be a dark horse”, he hinted. He has promised to call a press conference as soon as he is enlightened. Watch this space also. Keep a torch handy.

While on this subject, it would be pertinent to mention that the superior star is currently working on at least thirteen electrifying stories such as the one about the lizard with two tails or the other one about … but it would be impertinent to let the cat out of the bag. So, for the time being, the stories shall remain untold. Watch this space too but please keep a watch on the watch on your skinny hand and the other hand on the torch.



Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Wall at Lord's

The Wall stands tall
                                    - 23rd Zoolai 
And at Lord's, Rahul steals Sachin's thunder!

All-party meeting in Bangalore

ExcluShiv!
                                         - 23rd Zoo Lie

All-party meeting on in Bangalore to discuss joint action plan to legalise corruption.
Details not released to the press.
Spokesman declares that report will be leaked at 8:00pm Sunday, in time for prime time news.



Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sunday pe Sunday!

                                                                                   - Beantown, 17th Zooly
The Beantown Information Technology, Software & Printing Industries Employees’ Co-operative Education Society (BITS & PIECES) has demanded that the government switch over to an 8-day week, to enable their members get one more day every week to finish their work.

According to the Chief Pokesman of the Society, Mr. P.K. Baath Kar, this 8-day week would consist of one day each of the traditional seven-day week and one extra Sunday.

In the Society’s working model, the two Sundays would sandwich the weekdays between them, i.e., there would be one Sunday at the beginning of the week and one at the end. This would make it easier to distinguish them rather than if they came together.

Mr. Kar indicated (by using elaborate hand signs) that this rather inventive idea was the brainchild of one of the Society’s older members, Mr. Sundara Ravi Vaaram, who had toiled for more than thirteen single-Sunday weeks before hitting upon the 8-day week. He presented a blank paper (kora kagaz) on the idea to the Society’s Working Committee which, true to the Society’s guiding principles, first tore the idea to bits and pieces, then deliberated on it for three weeks and also tried a dry run before declaring its approval.

The Society’s members went in a procession to the office of the Chief Controller of Holidays and Sundays and presented a copy (symbolically cut into seven bits and three pieces) of the blank paper to him.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Supari!


SCOOP !       SCOOP !!       SCOOP !!!
SUPARI CONTRACTS ON THE RISE IN CITY AND OUTSKIRTS
             Adikepattana, 28th Stepunder
The city and its outskirts are witnessing an alarming rise in supari contracts over the last fortnight. This can be gauged from a clandestine survey carried out by the intelligence wing of a leading city fruit and nut association which prefers to remain unnamed and unmanned.

Your favourite newspaper has not been able to see or read this report yet. But it has been able to lay its hands on a hush-hush project dossier which reveals why it is no longer possible to get good, old-fashioned, sugandha supari over the counter. In a nutshell, it points out that all stocks have been cornered by some of the big multinational supari contractors in multimillion dollar deals, for export to hidden factories in faraway countries where the supari is to be used in the production of an as yet untested, untasted supari flavoured chocolate, tentatively and temptingly called “Phrooott Hend Nutt”. This catchy name has been coined to echo the sounds made by paan and supari chewers.

( THE WIKLY UPDET will carry weekly updates on this scoop every fortnight. Book your copies now. Remember – for every two copies you buy, you get one free! So there!! Don’t say we didn’t give you any advance information. )

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

MOKING LAW DRAWS FLAK FROM PASSENGERS


MOKING LAW DRAWS FLAK FROM PASSENGERS

              Nude Elli, 007 Flag March
The announcement by the Railway Minister of a new law concerning moking on all railway platforms in the nation has drawn widespread condemnation from the nation. News analysts are puzzled, political columnists are simply flummoxed and rail passengers are railing over this announcement.

“This is sibbly adother bloy by the railways to bake the bassejgers bay through their doses add catch the buther of all codes”, a passenger was heard fuming thru the cold in his nose (though, to your correspondent, this remark sounded as cryptic as the railway minister’s announcement).

A puzzled analyst (who shall remain unnamed because your correspondent forgot to note down his name – we shall call him the p.a. for the sake of brevity) said that the minister should have taken both Houses, and householders, housewives and him (the p.a.) into confidence before dropping this bombshell. “This dropping is nothing but a confidence trick. I shall get to the bottom of it and unravel it very soon”, he declared.

Meanwhile, mob scenes were witnessed at almost all the major railway stations as passengers refused to enter the railway platforms, preferring, instead, to wait for their trains on the roads. 

Railway officials tried to pacify them by announcing that there would be one more announcement soon. They, however, refused to remove the notices which had come up overnight on the platforms, announcing

“NOSE MOKING ON ALL PLATFORMS. 
BY ORDER – SPDT (E) NJRW, CMF, 3XEWJR.”

It may be recalled that the railway minister, in the course of his budget speech, had announced that a new act would come into force forcefully and suddenly to ensure that there would be nose moking on all railway platforms and strict action would be taken against defaulters.

Meanwhile, this mysterious new NOSE MOKING act has spawned all kinds of new business activities.  Traders have appeared on the platforms, selling “nose mokers” costing anything from Rs. 53 upwards (a leading brand, NO-MO, appears to be a simple contraption which, the manufacturers claim, “can be easily assembled by any qualified veterinary surgeon or oil well engineer without any assistance”). The media has also joined in – a new serial, called MOKERS AND SHAVERS and anchored by the well known TV personality, Alot  Naak, has appeared on the satellite network, featuring nose-to-nose talks with prominent clean shaven men and women who have a nose for such things.

(Watch out for this programme on STARTLE TV featuring the editor of your very own paper – “the klin klin man with a mike and a pen” – Ted, the ed.)

- © SK,  May 2011

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

CABLE CAR OPERATORS DEMAND CARS
           Ilanam Uluk, 27th Sitamgar
Cable car operators in this tourist resort are up in arms against the authorities for not providing them with cars. They say that the resort is known for its cable cars but, right now, there are cables only, no cars.

The Secretary of the Ilanam Uluk Cable Car Aaprate Karne Waale Kaarigaron Ki Ekikaran Samiti (IUCCAKWKKES), Mr. Syu Qumr, told your correspondent that they have been operating these cables without cars for the last fifteen and three quarter moons very patiently, in the hope that the authorities would see their difficulties and provide cars, but it has not happened so far. “You see, initially, without cars, we got very novel and brilliant idea to suspend the tourists from steel hooks attached to the cables and drag them from end to end for a small fee and show them the scenery from bahut upar se. It became very popular like bungee jumping and we were thinking of calling this sport ‘jangee bumping’. But, last season, some spoilsport tourists refused to get hooked, giving silly excuses like ‘hook poking’, ‘our eyes not opening’, ‘very very afraiding’, and also they put some drivel into the heads of other innocent and co-operative tourists and thereby our business came to total standstill. Now all tourists are buying the ticket only after checking whether car is there. No car, no buy ticket, no business. So we want cars. Without cars, what are we ? We are only cable aaprators – therefore, if the authorities are not providing cars, we will aaprate only the cable and we will show phoren  channels. So please give cars soon.” The authorities have promised help before the next new serial starts.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Chinta Money

C  H I  N  T  A      M  O  N  E  Y
( THOUGHTS  FOR  THE  DAY )

Opportunity knocks only once, but Temptation makes anonymous calls
                                                                                 - Sage Shivum Coomahrum

Rain, rain, go away, come again 'nuther day, coupla CMs wanna play
                                                                   -  popular rain song in South India

If something can go wrong, it will !
                                         - Morphy’s law

If you have one locked lock and two keys with which to open it, try the other key first.
                                                                                         - Morphy’s  lawyer


Jack and Jill went to a mill
To fetch a bale of cotton
Jack got up and went to town
And Jill pushed off to Boston
             -  Morphy’s brother-in-law

Saturday, April 30, 2011

BOLT FROM THE BLUE

Bolt from the Blue
Superman has renounced US citizenship.
India has immediately offered to make him an Indian citizen;
Tamil Nadu welcomes him to make Chennai his home provided, of course, he agrees to be called Supermaniyen, and will give him a free TV set and a mixer-grinder;
Karnataka wants him to live in Bangalore and will allot allot him a 50x80 site in Dollars Colony;
Jharkhand will honour him with the title of “Mahapurush”, a cash purse of Rs. 5001 and a buffalo;
Infosys will invite him to take over as the new Chairman of the company provided he is under the retirement age of 60 and can produce his birth certificate;
Superman is terribly confused and is thinking of re-claiming US citizenship!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

HIGHWAYMAN GETS HARD LABOUR

HIGHWAYMAN GETS HARD LABOUR
              Benglur, 07 Still Marching
Notorious highwayman Lal “Bad” Shah, a.k.a. Little Red Riding Hoodlum, who had created  terror  among  the Moneyed  People and Money Looting Activists of the region, was to-day sentenced  to  ten years of hard labour by Mr. Kadee Sazaa Sunaanewala, Chairperson of the Watchdog Committee of the Punishments Wing of the Horse and Pony Riders Confederation, in the city to-day.

Mr. Sunaanewala, while talking to reporters after the swearing-at-cum-sentencing ceremony, vehemently denied that it had any connection with the allocation of portfolios by the CM.


© SK,  May 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

JHANKAR GETS LABOUR
Bangalore, 07 March
The CM to-day allocated the portfolio of Labour and Labour Oriented State Topics (LOST) to his trusted alligator, Mr. Payal K. Jhankar, after two whole days of intense discussions with the dealers of his party. He described the entire process as “tedious and laborious”. The new minister himself, who was all along looking lost, said that this was most unexpected but he was happy now that he had become the LOST minister.

The new LOST minister will take charge of his ministry after he locates it.

HIGH DRAMA AS BULLS RUN RAMPAGE ON THE LAL STREET

HIGH DRAMA AS BULLS RUN RAMPAGE ON THE LAL STREET
Bumboo Bajaar, 27th Distemper

Red Street (commonly called The Lal Street), a famous lane in the bustling Bumboo Bajaar, where the continent’s leading stick brokers meet to exchange blows, was in a tizzy this morning as thirteen well-built bulls, armed with sharp horns, ran amok in the stick market, causing even the stocky brokers to run for cover. Passersby were treated to an unexpected filmy style chase as the brokers, sticks held high above their heads and chanting “danda ooncha rahe hamara” ran like men possessed, followed by the incensed bulls keen on dispossessing them. The bull run continued till late in the evening and ended only when the market’s top hoarder put up a hoarding on top of the street reading “SILENT ZONE – SHARP HORNS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN” and then followed it up by announcing the same over a loudspeaker.
The sher index, which is an indicator of the level of bravery, measured on the Rictus scale, plummeted badly and, when last seen, appeared to be headed Down Under.
Agitated members, many of them nursing bruised limbs and broken egos, called a press conference and announced the formation of a thirteen member committee headed by a retired matador (thirteen seater diesel version) to conduct a thorough investigation into the whole episode.
C H I N T A - M O N E Y
(Thoughts For The Day)

All that glitters has a silver lining
Chevaux Coumarz, thinker

The hand that cradles the rock can’t count the money
old jungle saying

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the ground
old jingle

HOWZZATT? If you don’t draw blood first time, call for the third vampire
Dracu’s law