ExcluShiv!
On-the-spot
report from your correspondent
A LEOPARD SPOTTED!
Zen galore, Tuwell Farawary
The
denizens living in and around the zen village in the outskirts of our good old
bean town have learnt a new pastime – that of spotting names, places, animals
and things, especially animals, mainly leopards.
The
whole locality was in a tizzy on account of the frantic traffic situation and
the denizens have taken to spotting leopards to while away their time spent
waiting for the roads to clear. The area faces terrible road snarls all the
time and the collective roar of the automobile engines is so loud that one
can’t hear the snarls of leopards and other animals roaming around on the
outskirts of the outskirts.
Though
why they should undertake such an unnecessary exercise, a fizool
samay ki barbaadi, is beyond this correspondent’s understanding. Why go and
spot something which is already spotted? Your correspondent put this question
to one senior citizen trying to read a newspaper by holding it upside down and
got the response, “Your question is spot on”.
This
particular spotting of the stray leopard took place just a few days ago. The
poor thing must have had an argument at home and run away from there, only to lose
its way and end up right in the middle of a whole lot people sitting quietly in
their cars trying to look busy. And before it could utter “mamma mia”,
the idling gentry had spotted it!
The
spotted leopard escaped from the traffic jam and ran into the compound of a
school nearby. Finding a convenient swimming pool there, it promptly jumped
into it and tried to shake off the newly acquired spots. Not succeeding, it
jumped back out and looked around for alternative therapies.
A
conscientious warden, employed by the department of natural justice to ward off
wildlife which did not have valid IDs or donor passes, wandered into the same
school and, looking through his binoculars, suddenly saw spots in front of his
eyes. The Spotted One spotted him at the same time and attempted to charge him.
Of course, he refused to pay, citing his inability to pay any additional charge
on account of his meagre pay scale. After a few moments of confrontation during
which nothing happened, the warden stepped smartly back into the pool and wet
his pants on account of the water level being waist high. What a waste of
starch and ironing! The leopard turned around and parked itself in a classroom
and was seen gazing at the mathematical formulae written on the blackboard with
a quizzical expression on its face.
The
citizens quickly formed a four-man team consisting of a temporarily unemployed
spot boy, a pizza delivery boy, a dance teacher and a brake inspector to
negotiate with the leopard and convince it to go back.
The
authorities were alerted and soon landed up at the spot, bringing with them two
huge cages which they set up in two strategic spots. Some twenty three
spectating bystanders, spotting a golden opportunity, promptly entered the
cages and closed the doors after them.
They had to be coaxed out gently.
The
negotiators then approached the leopard and asked him to quietly leave or else.
The leopard was unmoved by this threat and refused to budge from his spot.
After quickly conferring among themselves out of the earshot of the leopard,
the team came up with an offer of a free pizza with three different toppings,
free dance classes for three months, two paid pedicures at a five star salon
and a prime spot on the front page of the town’s leading weekly.
It
was an offer the leopard couldn’t refuse. With tears in its eyes, it went down
on bended knees to thank them, whereupon an intrepid veterinarian who was
hovering nearby with an injection in his hand promptly injected a tranquilising
dose into its body.
The
tranquilised leopard was carried off by the authorities who promised to release
it without pressing any charges, which, in any case would not have been paid.
