Supari!

SCOOP !       SCOOP !!       SCOOP !!!

SUPARI CONTRACTS ON THE RISE IN CITY AND OUTSKIRTS

             Adikepattana, 28^th Stepunder

The city and its outskirts are witnessing an alarming rise in supari contracts over the last fortnight. This can be gauged from a clandestine survey carried out by the intelligence wing of a leading city fruit and nut association which prefers to remain unnamed and unmanned.

Your favourite newspaper has not been able to see or read this report yet. But it has been able to lay its hands on a hush-hush project dossier which reveals why it is no longer possible to get good, old-fashioned, sugandha supari over the counter. In a nutshell, it points out that all stocks have been cornered by some of the big multinational supari contractors in multimillion dollar deals, for export to hidden factories in faraway countries where the supari is to be used in the production of an as yet untested, untasted supari flavoured chocolate, tentatively and temptingly called “Phrooott Hend Nutt”. This catchy name has been coined to echo the sounds made by paan and supari chewers.

( THE WIKLY UPDET will carry weekly updates on this scoop every fortnight. Book your copies now. Remember – for every two copies you buy, you get one free! So there!! Don’t say we didn’t give you any advance information. )

MOKING LAW DRAWS FLAK FROM PASSENGERS

MOKING LAW DRAWS FLAK FROM PASSENGERS

              Nude Elli, 007 Flag March

The announcement by the Railway Minister of a new law concerning moking on all railway platforms in the nation has drawn widespread condemnation from the nation. News analysts are puzzled, political columnists are simply flummoxed and rail passengers are railing over this announcement.

“This is sibbly adother bloy by the railways to bake the bassejgers bay through their doses add catch the buther of all codes”, a passenger was heard fuming thru the cold in his nose (though, to your correspondent, this remark sounded as cryptic as the railway minister’s announcement).

A puzzled analyst (who shall remain unnamed because your correspondent forgot to note down his name – we shall call him the p.a. for the sake of brevity) said that the minister should have taken both Houses, and householders, housewives and him (the p.a.) into confidence before dropping this bombshell. “This dropping is nothing but a confidence trick. I shall get to the bottom of it and unravel it very soon”, he declared.

Meanwhile, mob scenes were witnessed at almost all the major railway stations as passengers refused to enter the railway platforms, preferring, instead, to wait for their trains on the roads. 

Railway officials tried to pacify them by announcing that there would be one more announcement soon. They, however, refused to remove the notices which had come up overnight on the platforms, announcing

“NOSE MOKING ON ALL PLATFORMS. 

BY ORDER – SPDT (E) NJRW, CMF, 3XEWJR.”

It may be recalled that the railway minister, in the course of his budget speech, had announced that a new act would come into force forcefully and suddenly to ensure that there would be nose moking on all railway platforms and strict action would be taken against defaulters.

Meanwhile, this mysterious new NOSE MOKING act has spawned all kinds of new business activities.  Traders have appeared on the platforms, selling “nose mokers” costing anything from Rs. 53 upwards (a leading brand, NO-MO, appears to be a simple contraption which, the manufacturers claim, “can be easily assembled by any qualified veterinary surgeon or oil well engineer without any assistance”). The media has also joined in – a new serial, called MOKERS AND SHAVERS and anchored by the well known TV personality, Alot  Naak, has appeared on the satellite network, featuring nose-to-nose talks with prominent clean shaven men and women who have a nose for such things.

(Watch out for this programme on STARTLE TV featuring the editor of your very own paper – “the klin klin man with a mike and a pen” – Ted, the ed.)

- © SK,  May 2011