Bark and Bite!
The Comité
Directivo Poder da o Federação Global do Jogo Bonito (Power
Steering Committee of the Global Federation of the Beautiful Game) held an
emergency meeting on the lawns of the Toothless Tiger luxury resort and spa to
deliberate, berate and rate the bite against the bark.
Calling the meeting to
order, the Chairman explained that, as a mark of their concern over the
controversy surrounding the recent infamous incident, no solid snacks which
would require to be bitten into would be served at the meeting, only liquid
refreshments would be served. Secondly, all members were requested to hide
their front teeth for the duration of the meeting; those wearing dentures were
asked to remove them and hand them over to the car park attendant for safe
keeping. Thirdly, the word “chomp” was not to be used during the meeting as it
might cause distress.
The meeting began with the
Chairman expressing deep anguish over the alleged biting incident. He conveyed
the committee’s commiserations to the victim of the bite, adding that the local
Kennel Club had very graciously come forward to take care of all expenses for
the treatment of the bite injury in return for a small advertising spot on the
victim’s upper lip.
A member wanted to know if
he may congratulate the biter for his superb timing, excellent marksmanship and
smooth follow through. He quickly went on to add that he had received lucrative
offers from an apple distributor and a burger brand to sponsor the biter and he
was ready to place them before the committee for their consideration. He was
told gently but firmly by the Chairman to shut up, be quiet and pipe down.
Whereupon, he became silent.
Another member suggested
that the players be trained to bark and be allowed to do so freely during
matches, because he, the member, had heard someone say that barking dogs do not
bite and this might very well work with the players. Many of the members liked
this idea very much and wanted to discuss it further. They decided to call it
“the bow-wow proposal” and constitute a sub-committee headed by a retired
veterinarian to go into it in depth.
After two hours and twenty
three minutes of animated discussion, the Steering Committee finally came out
with the following advisory to all member federations:
1. Every
player selected to play in an international would be required to have his
incisor teeth removed. These may be replaced by rubber-coated dentures, if the
player so desired.
2. If
the player did not so desire, the gap may be left open, but he would not be
allowed to whistle under any circumstances whatsoever as this would infringe on
the rights of the referees.
3. Players
would be given one year’s time to get their incisors removed. In the mean time,
each player would be required to carry two carrots in his pockets while on the
playing field. Whenever he had an urge to bite, he would be allowed 30 seconds’
time off to chew on the carrot.
4. All
players would be required to wear shoulder pads under their jerseys. Sponsors
would be invited to bid for advertising spots on these pads.
The Committee was also
examining the feasibility of introducing mouth guards as compulsory equipment
to be worn by every player during play. They were in consultation with the
Boxing Federation in this regard and hoped to have some encouraging information
soon.
©
Shiva Kumar 2014
