Sunday, April 28, 2013

Cash And Carry


Cash and Carry

Soonday, 28 Ape-real

The Clear And Sober Heads (CASH), a self-help group, working hand-in-glove with their brothers-in-arms and another help-self group, the Citizens Against Rash Riding Youth (CARRY), have been quietly busy behind the scenes. They have undertaken a mission to bring clarity into the drive against drunken driving, and have been looking at ways and means to ambush, block, intercept and intelligently interact with drivers and riders who are inebriated, intoxicated, plastered or smashed and have lost, mislaid, misplaced or damaged their senses and are incognizant, oblivious, unmindful or blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

In a swift and stealthy operation code-named Cash and Carry, these enlightened citizens managed to procure by way of a New Year grant from a UFO (Unidentified Foreign Organisation), who in turn got them as a year-end gift from a manufacturer of spirited rectifiers and hand-held mental detectors (who had actually manufactured these by mistake because of a formula error) a truck-load of alco-meters. These meters, branded "Whiffy-in-a-Jiffy", need just a sniff or a whiff to indicate the amount, count, measure or quantity of the alcohol, hooch, inebriant or spirit in the breadth, depth, length and perimeter of a suspect to  give a firm, neutral, impartial and unbiased opinion on whether this amount, count, measure or quantity has the potential to alter the balance, equilibrium, stability and steadiness of the driver/rider, the vehicle or any vehicle on the road in the area, neighbourhood, surroundings or vicinity.

A regular user (who has been given "frequent flier" status and a generous credit facility for paying penalties) was recently invited as a "highly important consumer" (“hic”) to an emergency meeting organised by Cash And Carry to educate their teetotaler members on how these 'sniffy-whiffy-jiffy-whatever' meters work on the drunk, inebriated, intoxicated or tipsy. Leaning on a pole specially fixed for him in the meeting room, he explained the step-by-step working of the meter in very easy, lucid, plain and simple terms (which even a calm, clear, level or sober person could catch, grasp, realise or understand), thus:

Step 1: The suspect is asked to blow in the general direction of the meter (e.g., "blow North-North-East").
Step 2: The meter staggers for a moment. Then it lets out a shrill cry, rather like that of a mongrel in distress.
Step 3: There is a lull of about 10 seconds before the moment of truth. Then a bell tolls and the meter's screen indicates: "here cometh thine report cardeth" (English option) or “yahan aavath aapka rapat carduth” (Hindi option).

(A special app can be downloaded into the meter to play the suspect's favourite film song during the lull. The most popular download has been "mujhko yaaron maaf karna, main nashe mein hoon").

Step 4: The screen then displays in large red characters one of the following symbols:

            ;>)    (smiley with one eye closed)" for "happily high"

            %>)   (cross-eyed smile) to indicate "ssimply ssozzled", 
        
            :-X    (skull and crossbones) for "dangerously smashed",

            /////  (5 slashes) for "smashingly dangerous"

(If, however, the suspect happens to be calm, clear, level or sober, the meter skips steps 2 and 3 and instead displays a message in English, Hindi and Swahili, saying “Congratulations, you have won a prize of US $ 5,000,000. To claim this prize, please e-mail your height, weight and waist size to put-oil@420.out". This makes the suspect so happy that he goes out and gets pickled, soused, sozzled or stewed and can then begin the testing exercise all over again!)

Step 5: The meter is programmed to automatically calculate the penalty (using a secret formula known only to certain film story writers and footballers) and print out challans in triplicate.

{NOTE: It is rumoured that engineers are working on a new version of the meter which will not only automatically calculate the penalty but will also collect it from the suspect by issuing threats of dire consequences in a loud voice. But this is only a rumour and is as yet unconfirmed.}

But the truck-load of meters proved to be too many and the Cash and Carry brothers are now holding a huge stock far in excess of their calculated numbers. After a clear-headed round of discussions, they have come up with the brilliant idea of putting up self-help kiosks at all street corners, where these meters would be strategically placed, under the lamp posts. Suspects will be able to go to the nearest lamp post, determine how "tight" they are and collect their challans. There will also be a dumb-box tied at waist level to each lamp post where they can drop their penalties. The brothers are working on a couple of easy installment schemes to add a little zing to the drive and increase the collection.

This proposal seems to have received enthusiastic response judging from the initial reactions and, if implemented, may well become quite popular. In fact, there have already been requests from some remote and unrepresented catchment areas, where the residents are looking for evening recreation, to install these kiosks on a "pay,use-pay,use" ("pu-pu") basis. There have also been franchise enquiries and sponsorship proposals from a mineral water manufacturer, a dumb-box marketing agency and a lamp post decorator. A well known gaming software company is said to be working on a computer game based on this operation.

Watch this space with keen eyes!




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