GOZZER HALLELUJAH!

GOZZER HALLELUJAH

A certain feisty Bengali described it as the toughest recipe ever known to humankind. Who am I, a mere highly talented TamBrahm Bengalurean, to contest this description?

I tried to mafunacture it once. It was not easy. I thought, if I myself find it so tough, imagine the plight of poor old humankind! I concluded that there certainly is something in what feisty Bengalis say.

And now, without further ado, I will discuss how to do this tough geezer called Gozzer Hallelujah.

BASIC COMPONENTS
To serve one individual, you will require:
 ~Three gozzers, grated. If orange, then three orange gozzers. If pink, however, then make it three pink gozzers. No more, no less. Three. Orange or pink, as the case may be.
~ A one-inch piece of ginger, grated
~ One small green chilli, slit and cut into small pieces
~ Two elaichis, unpodded and grounded
~ Four cashew nuts, broken into halves and again broken into quarters to make sixteen pieces in all
~ A quarter litre of cow's milk. If cow's milk is not available, go for the yak tetrapak.
~ Two heated tablespoons of clarified butter. If clarified butter is not available, go for ghee. If ghee is not available, come back to clarified butter.
~ Shakkar, sucre, cheeni. Commonly called Sugar, 100 grams. Sow giram, sow shall you heap.
~ On second thoughts, cut out the grated ginger and green chillies. They seem to have lost their way and wandered into this recipe.

EQUIPMENT AND APPARATII
~ Karahi, kadahi, kadai.  Also known as wok
~ Sauce pan. What mothers-in-law use. Kyonki.
~ Ladle. As the name suggests, this is a ladle.
~ Tablespoons, a couple. Matched or mismatched, doesn't matter. To transport the clarified butter or ghee from storage container to kadahi.
~ Pilates.

TOOLS AND TACKLES
~ Knife for cutting gozzers into two. (Useful info: it is known as Naihu in Japanese)
~ Grater for grating. Good, sarp graters are available at the Greater Kailash Grater Wallah.
~ Tongs. If you don't have one, get one. Tong adaao.
~ Lighter, to light stove. If stove is heavier, use heavier lighter to light.
~ Large stirrer with long handle, to stir. Check to see that it works both ways. Clockwise as well as anti-clockwise.

PRODUCTION PROCESS
~ Set kadahi on stove. Left ear of kadahi should face East corner of kitchen for auspicious pakau.
~ Light light stove or heavy stove, as the case maybe, with lighter.
~ Allow kadahi to get heated. Touch with tip of forefinger to check. If hot, remove finger immediately.
~ Pour clarified butter or ghee into kadahi. Allow to hot up.
~ Drop cashew nuts into hot ghee. When lightly brown, pour into pilate and keep aside.
~ Put kadahi back on to stove. Pour milk into it.
~ Heat milk. When hot, drop grated gozzer into it, gently and without making a splash.
~ Pick up large long handled stirrer.
~ Use Continental Grip to hold stirrer. Left hand on top, right hand below.
~ Stir in anti-clockwise direction, starting from 3 o' clock and working backwards.
~ Stir. Stir. Stir.
~ Drop the sugar into the gozzer-milk mix. Mix.
~ Add browned cashew nuts to gozzer-milk-sugar mix. Mix.
~ And stir. Anti-clockwise. Stirring anti-clockwise will take you back in time. Keep going back till you reach your childhood. Don't go beyond childhood or you may have to start crawling. Bad for the knees.
~ Your hands would have become heavier after all that stirring. The milk would have thickened. The gozzer would have more or less ghulled into the milk.
~ Drop grounded elaichi into gozzer-milk-sugar-cashew mix. Mix well.
~ Stir in clockwise direction to come back to present day.
~ Put off flame when you reach to-day.
~ Allow kadahi to cool.
~ Transfer contents to propah storage vessel.

Test. Taste. Bhoot mazaa!
Thanks be.
Gozzer Hallelujah!

-       © Shiva Kumar, 10 December 2017