IPL COMMENTARY WOES

IPL COMMENTARY WOES

In February itself I decided that I will not watch any IPL match. First of all, I became totally confused. The batsman for whom I was putting my whistle went to some other team. Sold like a vegetable. Worse, auctioned like an object in a bazaar. One of those purchasing fellows pinched him to see if he is fresh before handing over his cheque. But when my friend told me how much he (‘he’ means the batsman, not my friend) was sold for, I had to whistle. If they are paying hefty salary like that, little bit of pinching is no problem. Let them pinch little bit more also, I don’t mind.

The other terrible fellow who outed my favourite batsman three times has come to my home team now. How to accept this? My loyalties are hopelessly mixed up. Pointless to watch. Okay, maybe I am making some small allowance for my home team on home ground when I watch on home TV, depending upon winning position. That’s all.

So that day I watched little bit of our fellows batting when they won the match by hook and by crook. Quite interesting, it was.

Even the new commentary set up is interesting but laughable. First thing is that these commentary fellows are sitting in some new kind of structure which they are calling The Dugout. What dugout, I am asking? Is it dug out of any ground or anything? Is it scooped out from tree trunk like dugout canoe? It is looking like BMTC bus shelter with a long bench and a long desk. These talkative fellows are sitting on the bench. Behind their back there is a curvature for protecting them from sunlight or something but actually some advertisements are displayed, making more money for the IPL. Already they have so much money, why they have to make more money behind the commentators’ backs, I don’t know. They must share it with spectators. Dugout! From where they dug it out, I am thinking. And these fellows are looking so uncomfortable with headphones around their ears making calculations on scribbling pads like in a written test and doing field demonstrations that I began to feel sorry for them, but my friend told me that they get handsome amount as talking fees even better than lottery, so no need to feel sorry.

At any given time there are three chaps sitting and chattering away between themselves like a brood of chickens of different nationalities. One fellow is having so much accent that he may be thinking he is Hyundai or something. Is he asking question or giving answer or simply yawning loudly? I cannot make out, sorry. Whenever he speaks his long sentences, afterwards my lower jaw pains. Another fellow is sitting there who is not commentating but cackling away, seemingly in a foreign language. Everything sounds funny to him and he also sounds funny. The third fellow is allowed to speak once in a while. He carries a clipboard in his hand and makes some calculations on it. After lifting his head and shaking it three times, he notes down something. What it is nobody knows. It may even be order for dinner items.

But this commentary business is becoming popular like talk show or stand-up comedy. I am suspecting that they will soon have Indian Commentary League. I think if I practise hard, I may also get in.

I am thinking why there are so many foreigners in our commentary box or Dugout? Are they not getting any commentary work in their own countries, so they are coming here in droves? They are visible everywhere. When there is no match, they are out sampling the city’s wares. That day I was walking in Commercial Street and entered a shop selling air pillow. I bumped into one of them. I recognised him from the TV images. Immediately he drew a rectangle in the air with both hands and referred the bump to the shopkeeper for final decision. The shopkeeper declared me out. Pah! I showed a ‘T’ in appeal, but he overruled me. I turned around and walked out without air pillow.

This is nothing but over-supply of foreign commentators. They are catering to our country or what? Whenever there is any Indian commentator, poor fellow is like cucumber in sandwich. Simply sitting in the middle and not uttering anything. Utter waste, I feel. The other two fellows talk and allow him to mutter three and a half words now and then, apart from ordering dinner for all of them. Unpalatable.

There must be a new rule to restrict foreign commentators to only during bowling power play or strategic time out or something. Don’t you agree?

-          © Shiva Kumar