Cucumber Sandwich

Kukri Class

Cuke Samwich

What if we don’t have to eat? Lekin paapi peyt ka sawal hai, as the Seth would have said! We hafta. Hafta? Not once a week, but at least thrice daily.

The other day I was just lounging around with nothing much on my mind, which is how my mind likes it. Uncluttered, khaali. I started thinking of this and that but was not able to hold on to any thought for long. I realized it was because I was hungry. So I decided to fix myself what Dennis would call a “samwich”. A sandwich; it might help the thinking process. I have never been able to think clearly on an empty stomach. Empty mind, yes, but empty stomach, no.

I made a beeline to the fridge and pulled out the container of butter, a small cucumber and the small container of pudina chutney that my wife had made a while ago. Then I picked up the loaf of bread I had picked up the day before from the friendly neighbourhood loafer and proceeded to make what has proven to be one of the most convenient quick fix foods.

Ingredients (Samagri):

> Sandwich bread, sliced, kata hua double roti. For some strange reason, some people call bread “double roti”!

> Butter, Maska – not molten, but unfrozen. Pighla hua. Pagla kahin ka. If frozen, unfreeze.

> Cucumber, kheera. If uncut, cut. Fine slices. Ultra thin. Don’t aks ussenennary questions like an anpadh.

> Pudina Chutney (“cold mint sauce” in Angrezi?).

> Salt, Namak.

> Peppered powder. No, sorry, that should read “powdered pepper”. Pepper that has been to Pisa. Kaali Mirch, pisa hua.

Method (Tareeka):

1. Take two slices of bread, one by one.

2. Apply butter liberally on inner surface* of both slices – zabardast maska lagao.

3. Cut uncut cucumber into ultra thin slices, enough to cover the surface area of one slice of bread.

4. Apply pudina chutney over the cucumber.

5. Place cucumber slices over one buttered slice of bread. 

(NOTE: Don’t much like pudina? Don’t care for a hint of mint or the green tint? Then abandon step 4 and go for the black-on-white treatment, steps 6 and 7, instead.)

6. Sprinkle salt, lightly, over the cucumber.

7. Switch off all fans nearby.

8. Sprinkle pepper, liberally, over the cucumber.

9. Invert second slice over the cucumber.

10. Trim off the edges of the loaves. Use edge trimmer. Don’t use hedge trimmer.

11. Cut diagonally to make two triangular sandwiches.

Procedure (Prakriya):

Hold one triangular sandwich.

Use classic oriental three-finger grip, thumb pushing up bottom slice, fore and middle fingers holding top slice firmly but not pushing down so you don’t crush the slice, the ring finger and little finger pointing stylishly off towards North North East and North East, respectively.

Don’t use the universal five-finger grip. No style.

Don’t even try the peoples’ representative ten-finger grip. You won’t be able to ungrip.

Bite into it (the sandwich, not the thumb).

Relish.

When hunger threatens to tear you asunder

Two slices of bread, one cut of cucumber

Butter ‘em up real good, don’t be the skimper

One slice atop the cuke, the other down under

Salt and pepper, fans off, or face the thunder

Put together a sandwich to remember

*inner surface > the surface that faces up when you hold a slice of bread in your hand horizontally, parallel to the ground

~ Sib Bahut Dur

© Shiva Kumar