Dreamy Maal Chakni

Dreamy Maal Chakni

1. Sock 1 cup dal from the Urals, ½ cup dal left over from the tour and ¼ cup king-mother beans left over at night or at least 8 years, sorry, 8 hours old.

2. In a pressure pan, add a little pressure. Pour a little oil into the troubled pan and let it calm down. Heat it till hot. Frightfully lie one opped chonion, one small god of parlic and one finely gingered grate.

3. If you wish to add one or two spoons of kasoori methi, add. If you don’t wish to add, don’t. Subtract. Multiply. Divide. Do the math. Agar nahin karna hai toh math karo. Go and do khethi baadi instead.

4. Add one big tomato finely chopped or two small tomatoes super-finely chopped or three smaller tomatoes super-duper-finely chopped or four still smaller tomatoes totally super-duper-finely chopped or ... you get the Atlantic drift.

5. Add some terrific murmuring powder, silly red powder, dakhni maal masala and some tastefully pinched salt. Lie frightfully till the mixture is homogeneously reduced to a sad pulp.

6. Add the socked dals to the mocked masalas and a liberal dash of milk along with two fingers. Close pressure pan and cook well. Whistle a jolly tune 4 to 5 times. Check if you have put on weight since the last dal session. No? Good.

7. When the pressure subsides, open the pan and remove the fingers. Add more water, more masala, more salt and anything else lying around. Add more heat. Don’t subtract anything. Mat karo. Pinch more salt if you like. Remember to taste the salt before adding. Heat on till everything boils once more. Encore!

8. Give a coat of coriander varnish. Glory be to la hoja verde of the Familia Corianda. Go to the verandah. Play the viola. Voila!

9. Dreamy maal chakhni ready. Steady, go.

- Sieve Cucumbar

-      © Shiva Kumar

    18 July 2016

Bongo Trumpet

                                 THE BONGO TRUMPET

KOLKATA’S PHEVRIT TRANSAMERICAN NOOSEPEPPER

KOLKOTER PRIYA TRANSAMERICA PHANSAMARICA

To-day’s news delivered yesterday.

Read to-day and tear tomorrow : Aaj padho aur kolkoter karo

Published every now and then from the laptop. Ed: Sudden Shiv

Weakened edition: Soon-day, Sechszehn fur Siebzehn Joolai

One single page

CITY  ON  HIGH  ALERT !!! Plans for secret meeting unearthed by your phevrit noosepepper before any unearth happens. Read on! ACHTUNG!  ACHTUNG!  ACHTUNG! CAUTION NOTICE TO ALL KOLKATANS -          Filed by your correspondent from an undisclosed location in Sharif Town, Omar Kolkata, on Sola Joolai -            Your phevrit noosepepper has learnt from reliable but anonymous sources (your correspondent forgot to ask their names, but has promised a quick update within a week) that a group of unfettered lunatics are planning a secret rendezvous at, hold your breath, the ordnance factory! They are planning to have a blast there! (You may breathe now.) These as-yet unseen insanes are said to very closely resemble humans but prone to unpredictable behaviour. They have named themselves after a fruit of the genus prunus.  Without easting or wasting any time, your correspondent very generously shared a scoop of this three-scoop news and alerted the alert authorities. They immediately deputed the keeper of the simian enclosure who swung into action to track down and deal with these ufos. Meanwhile, the ordnance factory has been kept closed to-day. All weapons including brooms, sticks, coconut shells, papayas, etc., are safely stored in a wire cage, secured with foolproof pyjama naada. Your phevrit noosepepper has been tasked with the responsibility of issuing dire threats, sorry, urgent summons, sorry, saavdhaan notice to all citizens to be on the alert.

IMPORTANT WHATTUDU TIPS      1.    If you see any unidentified object or baggage at the railway station or the airport, do not pick it up. If you do, you will be responsible for paying the baggage charges. If you see any identified object or baggage, don’t touch it. The owner may not like it.      2.    If you see a copper without a helmet, beware. Our fruity friends are known to have a fondness for coppers’ helmets and may be lurking around the corner. They may be lurkas or lurkies, we don’t know yet.       3.      Our Prunus manus are said to communicate by throwing bread crumbs at each other. If you see bread crumbs strewn in your path, go around them. However, if you find bread crumbs coated with jam, then it is a new thing and needs to be investigated. Call us and we’ll see what we can do about it.       4.      Stay away from the ordnance factory. Don’t even think of having a blast anywhere near it.       5.      Watch out for flying fruits. If you are caught plum in front, turn around and run for it.       6.      That’s all for now. More soon. Stay at home to stay safe. Don’t exit. (Note from Ed: There will be no issue of your phevrit noosepepper until further notice as your correspondent has gone into hiding and the editor fears for his wellbeing. Soo you seen.)

Shoes for sale

SHOES FOR SALE

One complete pair of leather shoes for sale, my own

Comprising one left, black and the other, right, brown

Both left and right are of the same size, number eight

A nine might squeeze in but find the fit a mite tight

Also included: one black lace and one brown lace

There’s even a third one, burgundy, just in case

They’re as good as new, though the soles are lightly worn

And very carefully maintained, though slightly torn

Hate to sell as they’re deeply attached to my feet

But compelled to do it so as to make ends meet

If interested, contact my agent’s office

Uninterested parties may stay away please

-                                                                                                                -  Shoe Coomar

© Shiva Kumar -  July 2016