A TYPICAL GOLF MORNING IN THE LIFE OF AN INVETERATE BANGALORE GOLFER

[Author's note:

I had written this piece a few years ago as an appreciation with a bit of gentle leg-pulling for my good friend who is a true blue Bangalorean (which, I like to believe, I am too), and an avid golfer (which I am not). He belongs to that special breed of men who retired at the right age, learnt to make his own coffee and toast, and took up golf.

I have removed all names from the original piece, changed coffee to tea, tweaked it a little and made it suitable for general consumption.

Some descriptions are magnified 4x for enhanced experience. To reduce magnification to 2x, close one eye while reading.]

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A TYPICAL GOLF MORNING IN THE LIFE OF AN INVETERATE BANGALORE GOLFER

4:00 am – Alarm sounds. Groan! Open one eye, check time and date. 

Time – check. Date – check.

4:01 am – Check calendar note on phone. “Tee Off at 5”. Haul self out of bed, muttering unmentionables. 

4:02 am – Stagger to bathroom. Do, do and do. Shave. Shower. Out. Ret geady. Turquoise golf pants, orange tees. Check mirror. Yes! Looking samrat!

4.20 am – Switch on kettle and toaster. Two slices of toast, high speed pop up, quick dab of butter. Gorom pony, two Earl Grey bags, sudden dip dip dip. Tea, black. Ah! All set. 

4.30 am – Tumble down the stairs to car.

4:32 am – Stop. Check pockets. No car key. Check again. Thankfully, haven't forgotten flat key. Tumble back up. Catch breath at thirteenth step. Walk up slowly. Open door softly. Wife still asleep. Look for car key. Check if it is for same car or other car. Mumble mumble about inefficient maids. Roll downstairs. Try not to trip.

4:36 am – Get into car. Insert key into ignition slot. Start countdown. 5,4,3,2. One second before ignite, ABORT! 

Get out. Open dickey. Check if bag of golf clubs still there. Yes. Inhale deep. Exhale long.

4:37 am – Get back into car. Key into slot. Start quick countdown. 3,2,1. Ingite. Gun engine once, twice. Take off.

4:38 am – Slam brakes. Wait till security guard comes running and hurriedly opens gate. Open mouth to reel off some choice abuses. Shut mouth abruptly as guard throws a smart salute. Fling arm upward in response. Careful, don't hit roof. Drive out.

4:39 am – Drive. Slow down. Intersection. Look to right, then to left. To be safe, look behind. Round it off by looking in front. All clear? Drive on.

4:50 am – Reach golf club. Gates are open, thank goodness. Security guard watching, barely awake, waiting to go off duty. Park car in nearest vacant slot. Switch off. 

Take deep breaths. One, two, three, four, five. Inhale, exhale. Five times each. 

Calm down. Relax. 

Feeeeel your senses come alive. 

(Continue breathing to stay alive.)

4:53 am – Put on smart new purple cap. Get out of car. Open dickey. Pull out golf bag. Lock car with remote. TUIK! Swagger to front desk. Desk man not there. Nobody in sight. Swagger wasted. No matter. Wait.

4:55 am – Desk man comes running, caddie at his heels. Caddie hefts golf bag onto his back and stumbles off.

4:57 am – Opponent swaggers in. Now enough people hanging around to see him swagger, dash it. Seeing enough people seeing him, he swaggers a bit more, walks into coffee table, dashes against it, dash it! Sadly, no harm done to table or leg. Damnit.

4:59 am – Tee off time! Hoy! Toss a coin for first tee-off, don’t call anything, catch it as it comes down, show that feller you can toss as well as he can swagger. Drat. Coin misses outstretched hand, falls on ground, rolls off into the lawn, out of sight. Drat. No time to search. He claims he called right. Right. Leave it, show courtesy. Left.

5:00 am – Tee off! Now your turn. Head down, look at the ball, left leg bent just so, steady, breathe in, breathe out, close eyes, open eyes, tilt head slightly towards nor’ nor’ east. Bring driver down smartly. Follow through generously. Wow! See her fly! Hand over driver to caddie with careless insouciance. Hands in pockets. Hands out.

5:03 am – Swing, hit, walk. Down the straight. 

6:05 am – Swing, hit, walk. Chalo. Your opponent is walking beside you. Beware, he may try to distract you. Behave like stranger again. Ek baar phir se ajnabi ban jao.

7:10 am – Swing, hit, walk. Caddie is counting, keeping score. So just swing, hit, walk. Keep walking. Don’t think of the score.

8:35 am to 10:00 am – Walk. Drive. Putt. Cut. Slice. Chop. Slash.

10:15 am – Hah! Collect hundred rupee note from loser. It's the same one you’d lost to him last week. You had written down some nice juicy notes about him on it with the caddie’s pencil stub which he parks behind his ear. Examine note again. Some new notes written on it. Read notes on note. It is about you. But no time to lose temper. Time to console the loser. Tell him all is not lost. Who knows, you may again lose to him next week, like you did last week. That brings a smile to his face. He offers to buy you a beer. Now that brings a smile to your lips.

10:30 am – Walk to 19th Hole. Accept compliments from all and sundry along the way. Take off smart purple cap, ruffle hair carelessly, put smart purple cap back on. Hand over a couple of shhh notes to caddie. Ruffle his hair. Give him car keys to put the golf bag in. Remind him loudly to bring back the keys. Laugh out loud. Good joke.

10:45 am – Raise the mug. Cheers! Relive the game. Walk. Drive. Putt. Cut. Slice. Chop. Slash. SLOSH.

01: 30 pm – Whew! How fly times. Time to eat.

02:30 pm – Stuffed. Enough. Bhoot mazaa aaya. Thumba channaggithu! Dil bhar gaya. Ab bill bharo. Swipe card, wipe face. Weakly wave goodbye around the table. No swagger left. Stagger.

02:40 pm – Float to car. Settle in. Don’t relax. Yet. Start car. Go. Slowly.

03:00 pm – Heach Rome. Let into gift. Press 3. Upsy daisy. Smooth lift off. As lift door opens, shuffle out, smile on lips, thinking of good game and good time had. Lean on doorbell. No, wait – key is with you. But door is open, courtesy efficient maid. 

Make for recliner. Pull off soos and shocks. Recline on recliner. Snooze. 

~ See-You Cou-Mar

~ © Shiva Kumar

(Originally written on 01 July 2015.)