Church Ke Peeche Chai Pe Charcha

Church ke peeche chai pe charcha

(Chai-biscoot pe elecsun ki ek katha)

The tiny space in front of the chai ka dukaan behind the church was chock-full. There were about 13 people standing there, in small groups, enjoying chai-biscoot and discussing the recent elections.

As I waited for my glass of kadak chai and khaara biscoot I overheard a lungi-kurta pehna hua bandha recounting this story to his pant-shirt clad comrade and veshti-sattai attired snehithan:

“I voted my phevrit candidet. First he was small contractor who built my house for less rate in less time. After some time of very less years he became big contractor due to helping nature. After words, luck visited him suddenly by wrong address. He stood in local munshi paltry elecsun due to push of relatives and pull of old phrends. He became munshi because of due to there was fight between the top two candidet and he was became third chaice. After that, again luck came suddenly by wrong number. He was allotted land site by jumping waiting list and getting lucky number. He told everybody, including Ali and Sundari, that even he did not at least expect it. How luckily lucky! Then one rich biznessman person gifted him latest model 4-wheeler car last year due to good work and kindliness. See, so many things happened to him due to simply better luck. His lottery hit him! Lucky drip!

After some time, due to brain wave, he built one temple. After great difficulty and many searchings, one pujari came there and he looked after him. He became caretaker of temple and also of pujari by default at the one and same time.

Due to no time, he left his earlier workership of contract work and retired. So he became retired contractor because of no time to contract.

After lookaftering the temple and also the pujari, he was peacefully timepassing his time by eating and sleeping and again eating and sleeping. Then one day some peoples came to pray to temple. After praying and taking the God darshan, they knocked his door also and made him special request to stand in club elecsun in their FLIM (Film Lovers In Motion) Club so that he may become win. He accepted to agree but due to big mishtick, he applied his name for general elecsun instead of club elecsun. Suddenly he saw his mishtick, but no time for correctation. Club elecsun was already finish and general elecsun was ready to happen. Finally, his friends put force with pressure to stand in general elecsun and not leave. And also they paymented the deposit for him.

See how the luck is behind him. In the elecsun, some missed understanding happened by other two candidet and they gave all votes to him to avoid the other candidet. He became the win. He is now thinking to decide which paltry he will join to carry on the gourment.

But I am happy because my candidet is win.”

I retreated to a far corner to have my tea biscoot in peace.

Tchah, pah and bah!

©Shiva Kumar 2014

Erratummy

Sick Leave notice

Bark and Bite!

   Bark and Bite!

The Comité Directivo Poder da o Federação Global do Jogo Bonito (Power Steering Committee of the Global Federation of the Beautiful Game) held an emergency meeting on the lawns of the Toothless Tiger luxury resort and spa to deliberate, berate and rate the bite against the bark.

Calling the meeting to order, the Chairman explained that, as a mark of their concern over the controversy surrounding the recent infamous incident, no solid snacks which would require to be bitten into would be served at the meeting, only liquid refreshments would be served. Secondly, all members were requested to hide their front teeth for the duration of the meeting; those wearing dentures were asked to remove them and hand them over to the car park attendant for safe keeping. Thirdly, the word “chomp” was not to be used during the meeting as it might cause distress. 

The meeting began with the Chairman expressing deep anguish over the alleged biting incident. He conveyed the committee’s commiserations to the victim of the bite, adding that the local Kennel Club had very graciously come forward to take care of all expenses for the treatment of the bite injury in return for a small advertising spot on the victim’s upper lip.

A member wanted to know if he may congratulate the biter for his superb timing, excellent marksmanship and smooth follow through. He quickly went on to add that he had received lucrative offers from an apple distributor and a burger brand to sponsor the biter and he was ready to place them before the committee for their consideration. He was told gently but firmly by the Chairman to shut up, be quiet and pipe down. Whereupon, he became silent.

Another member suggested that the players be trained to bark and be allowed to do so freely during matches, because he, the member, had heard someone say that barking dogs do not bite and this might very well work with the players. Many of the members liked this idea very much and wanted to discuss it further. They decided to call it “the bow-wow proposal” and constitute a sub-committee headed by a retired veterinarian to go into it in depth.

After two hours and twenty three minutes of animated discussion, the Steering Committee finally came out with the following advisory to all member federations:

1.   Every player selected to play in an international would be required to have his incisor teeth removed. These may be replaced by rubber-coated dentures, if the player so desired.

2.   If the player did not so desire, the gap may be left open, but he would not be allowed to whistle under any circumstances whatsoever as this would infringe on the rights of the referees.

3.   Players would be given one year’s time to get their incisors removed. In the mean time, each player would be required to carry two carrots in his pockets while on the playing field. Whenever he had an urge to bite, he would be allowed 30 seconds’ time off to chew on the carrot.

4.   All players would be required to wear shoulder pads under their jerseys. Sponsors would be invited to bid for advertising spots on these pads.

The Committee was also examining the feasibility of introducing mouth guards as compulsory equipment to be worn by every player during play. They were in consultation with the Boxing Federation in this regard and hoped to have some encouraging information soon.

© Shiva Kumar 2014

Prince Charming!

Follow the leader!

Drag Racing

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods

Power Nap

Fowl Play!

fowl play!

A Walk for Friendship!

A Walk for Friendship!

Last Sunday, the 5^th of January 2014, was a day when we took the first steps to fulfil the pledge we had made some months earlier. We are a motley bunch of classmates who had joined school in the year 1964. When we realised that we had known and had been friends with each other for 50 years, we decided to mark this milestone by walking a distance of 50 kilometres.

This idea of a walk for friendship came to us at an earlier get-together and was welcomed enthusiastically. But when it came to be known that some of us were seriously thinking of actually doing it, the enthusiasm waned a bit. We committee members started getting anonymous calls threatening us and also came to know that there was a move to black-list us from the group. Not wanting to be chucked out, we watered down the proposal a bit by suggesting that the 50 km could be done collectively. We also announced that there was no minimum distance to be covered and a classmate could even contribute as little as half-a-kilometre to the class kitty. The enthusiasm increased tenfold with this announcement. We promised to meet at the Stuart Battle Tank end of Ulsoor Lake at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday to do the walk and thereafter treat ourselves to a hearty breakfast.

Some of our mates were travelling and some were otherwise engaged, but we decided we would start this off if we had just 5 participants. The others would pitch in on other Sundays.

One of our mates is a bit of a Tangential Thinker (probably on account of a coconut being dropped on his head by the maid when he was two years old). He suggested that he would come an hour early and do a couple of rounds 6 km before the rest of us reached. We did not want any violence from him, so all of us agreed without a murmur. Let him come early if he wants, let him walk all he wants, he will still get the same breakfast as the rest of us, we decided.

I prepared myself for the tough-a-thon by having an early dinner and going to bed an hour earlier than usual. I set the alarm on my mobile for 6:10 a.m. and a second alarm for 6:30 a.m. I also told my wife to wake me up by 6:45 a.m. I missed the two alarms but my wife did not miss when she splashed water on my face.

Hastily completing the download formalities, I donned my track pant and an orange t-shirt and then called a classmate who lived down the road. Apparently he too was roused by his wife a while ago and had completed his roll call, so he was also ready to roll.

We reached the Stuart Battle Tank corner well in time. I was not surprised to find that Tan Thin had already completed 2 rounds and was looking none the worse for it. Before he could suggest 2 more rounds, I prudently changed the subject by pointing to the flocks of geese doing their morning flypast exercises over our heads. We were saved.

Soon 2 more classmates sauntered in and we were ready to go. It took a couple of minutes to get into our stride but once we did, we simply ate up the kilometres. We made a few halts along the way to savour the morning air. We also managed to break the rhythm of a couple of passing walkers by stopping them and having our pictures clicked by them. Each of us completed 3 km while Tan Thin did 9 km, for a grand total of 21 km, rounded off to 20 as a mark of our generosity.

All puffed up with pride and satisfaction after having achieved this stupendous task, we came to the concluding and most important part of the agenda – breakfast! We adjourned to a nearby darshini and feasted on idlis and vadais washed down with good, strong filter coffee.

Seeing the darshini owner nervously fidgeting, we went up to him and reassured him that we would leave soon and he need not worry about payment or depleting stocks. He thanked each one of us with folded hands and told us that our good deed would certainly be rewarded, though not by him, but by The One Above.

I reached home around twelve o’ clock, had a quiet moment of introspection, reliving the morning in fast playback. With a smile on my lips and a song in my heart, I told my wife I was about to take a well deserved nap and she should call me without any water-splashing when lunch was ready.

Wow, what a Sunday!

© Shiva Kumar 2014

Pluto, here we come!

The Pluto Orbiter Project

The Mars Orbiter Mission (MOM) appears to have taken off on the right foot and the mission controllers appear to have got the manoeuvres right in putting the MOM into the second leg of the Mangal yaan yatra.

The progress of the mission so far has boosted the confidence of our space scientists. From the journey to Earth’s nearest planet they are now planning an even more audacious trip, this time to the farthest planet (albeit a dwarf planet) in our Solar System. Pluto, no less.

Pluto was discovered in 1930 and since then was considered the 9^th planet in the Solar System. However, in 2006, it was “demoted” from a planet to a “dwarf” planet since astronomers have discovered other bodies in the Solar System which may be as big as or even bigger than Pluto.

In 2006, NASA sent out a spacecraft named New Horizons to Pluto without even informing India. The craft is expected to reach Pluto in 2015 and will be able to take pictures of the dwarf planet’s surface. This NASA adventure caught the Indian space scientists unawares and left them fuming. They did not take very kindly to NASA stealing their thunder and immediately set about planning their own counter offensive.  

After tasting success with the launch of the MOM, the space mission programmers are believed to have recommended in an internal meeting that we should launch our own Pluto mission. On a parallel path, a 5-member private team consisting of a travel booking agent, a retired cricketer, a wandering musician, a water diviner and a gym instructor, has drawn up a programme to send a space craft to the Pluto. This project has been named Pluto Orbiter Project or POP.

POP will be our second major planetary mission after MOM.

The new POP mission will be launched soon after MOM reaches its Mars orbit. A spacecraft is being built at a secret underwater base for this purpose. According to an anonymous but reliable source, this spacecraft will be called Nayi Disha.

Our source further revealed that the project team has discovered a short-cut route from Earth to Pluto not known to anyone else. This short-cut will enable our own Nayi Disha to overtake New Horizons in the last lap and will also save us some 2347 litres of unadulterated subsidised aviation fuel.

Right now, no one is talking about this hush-hush mission. All our source would say is “Wait till MOM reaches the home stretch to Mars. POP will then take off.”

Watch this space. Do not blink.